Daddy's Li'l Girl

This February 18th, it'll be my dad's 59th birthday. I figured I'd share some of my meditations with you, as this blog is supposed to be a reflection of the Lord's work around me. And my daddy is one of the biggest reflectors of Christ I know.


My dad is an authentic man of God. I say that with no doubt, no hesitation, and an overwhelming sense of blessedness. Throughout my life, he has constantly shown me what it means to live out faith in Christ as a light in darkness. I see a world all around that's caught up living lives for personal gain, personal achievement, and personal glory. And a false notion for Christians that "ministry" is a series of events organized in a church building and funded by church-going people... but not according to him. 


Now, I should put a disclaimer in here before I go any further. My dad is by no means perfect. The problem with having great strengths is that the Lord pairs them with greater weaknesses to keep us in that precious and necessary posture of humility and insufficiency. And my dad has his fair share (that patched hole in the stairwell at our house is a reminder of that ;) ) We're all sinners who fall short, and he is no exception... But when I think of him, it's not those shortcomings that define him. 


You know what I see when I look at him?...


A man who takes care of orphans. (Isaiah 1:17) - He has given the majority of his life to youth who have had no earthly dads. As long as I can remember, we always had people in and out of our house, as he loved and cared for those in desperate need of a father, whether that was through emotional trials, substance abuse recovery, grief counseling, spiritual confusion, financial need or homelessness. I noticed about a week ago on our kitchen table a series of letters from a young guy serving a sentence in prison, but who wrote regularly to my dad, seeking his prayers, counsel, and love during that time. That stack was sitting right next to some documents for a set of girls who lost their mom tragically years ago, but for whom my parents, during the years since, have acted as unofficial guardians, through the good and the bad.


A man who guards the widow. (Deuteronomy 10:18) - As I sit upstairs right now, he is downstairs with my mom, after getting home late from work, helping a woman who lost her husband a few years ago do her taxes and navigate through difficult circumstances.


A man who teaches other men. (2 Timothy 2:2) - He spent the past weekend leading a retreat with a group of men from his church, sharing the gospel, teaching the scriptures, and learning together what it looks like to be men who fight for God and their families. These men started getting together weekly about a year ago to condemn passivity and learn from scripture what it means to be authentic men in every day life. Through this "Men's Fraternity," lives have been changed, men have stepped up, and others have come to know Christ as a result. 


A man who loves and protects his wife. (1 Peter 3:7)- I love the little moments I'm blessed to see, being back home for a little while. Him smiling to see my mom when she gets home; Them going grocery shopping together; Him reaching over to take her hand as we drive home from dinner out.


A man who both disciplines and delights in his children. (Ephesians 6:4) - I remember when I was little, whenever I was in serious trouble (which was rare, of course ;) ), he would bring me into their bedroom and ask me what I did, so I had to confess and acknowledge my need to be punished. Then I was put over his knee and spanked. But, immediately after, he would set me back up on his lap, brush away my tears, hug me and tell me how much he hated doing that and how much he loved me. Even today, though it's changed in form and substance, he's always there to give both the hard truth and the compassionate mercy I and my siblings need.


A man who hungers after the Word. (Psalm 119:14)- My mom asked me at one point, if my dad died, what would I want to make sure I kept as a memory of him. The only thing I could think of was his old, well-used NAS bible. I love hearing him tell me about how crazy Ezekiel was, or reminding me of Zephaniah 3:17 when I'm struggling, or randomly texting me about how relevant that part of Tozer's book or that sermon by Tommy Nelson is in his life.


A man who honors and fights for his country. (Romans 13:7)- He served 27 years in the Coast Guard, enlisting out of high school, in and out on deployments to sea when we were kids, and rising to the rank of Commander before retiring to work as a contractor. But even more than that, he works to live righteously as a citizen of his country. He doesn't dodge his taxes. He doesn't speed. He pays back what he borrowed. He respects and prays for his appointed leaders, whether he agrees with them or not.


I could keep going, but I'll stop with this. Recently, he and I were talking and somehow the topic of child-rearing came up. He shared a story he hadn't told me before. Some time ago, when both my sister and I were very young, he went to a men's conference, during which they talked about how to care for daughters. He was suddenly struck and weighed down by the heaviness of what it meant to be a daddy to a little girl; That her perceptions of men, of the world, of her own worth, and of her heavenly Father rested squarely and uniquely on the shoulders of her daddy. He told me that when he realized that, he broke down, knowing that he could never live up to all those expectations. He couldn't be what we needed. But rather than running scared, or giving up, he covenanted to pray for us and entrust us daily, along with himself, to his own perfect heavenly Father. He would do his best to love Jesus and live by grace through faith, and encourage us to do the same, come what may.


I have to say, that last part makes him more of a Godly man in my eyes than anything else. He's shown me what a worthy man looks like. I'm proud to be my daddy's li'l girl.


So happy birthday, daddy. :) Keep running your race as to win the prize, and know that I'm proud to be cheering you on.

He felt compassion...

"But a Samaritan, who was on a journey, came upon him; and when he saw him, he felt compassion..." Luke 10:33


This past weekend, I got to spend a couple of days up in DC with a little piece of my family up there. On Sunday morning, we went to worship the Lord with others in that area, and at that particular gathering, they're going through different parables that Jesus taught with. This week, they were on Luke 10:25-37, the discussion and teaching leading up to the parable of the good Samaritan, as most of us know it. The interaction begins between Jesus and a man who studied Jewish law who brought up a question. This man, who was at first mainly concerned with publicly discrediting this roving rabbi, quickly had the tables turned on him and sought to justify himself as a righteous man by determining the number and "type" of people which he would need to "love" in order to be saved. He asked Jesus what was meant when the law commanded "Love thy neighbor as thyself." Who was his neighbor? And more practically, who was NOT? Whose welfare could he remove from his realm of concern in order to sleep in peace at the end of each day, knowing he'd done enough?


Upon reaching verse 33, I became fixated, and honestly, didn't hear much else for the remainder of the message. Seeing this beat-up and stripped man but not knowing who he was (he had no clothes, was barely conscious if at all, had no other means of identification, and Jesus, the story-teller, makes no effort to identify his heritage further than being "a man"), the Samaritan "felt compassion." That word is one that resonates to my core. Compassion... an absence of concern for self and an overwhelming loving concern for another. Not a static emotion, but a compulsion to meet the needs of someone else...


If you want an amazingly sobering and yet abundantly joyful reminder of the character of our God,  take a little time and get lost in a study of the word "compassion" through the Old Testament and New Testament. There are tons of direct uses and even more indirect uses. Here, I'll help you get started:


Genesis 19:15-16, Deuteronomy 30:1-6, 2 Kings 13:22-23, 2 Chronicles 30:9, Nehemiah 9:5-32, Psalm 72:12-14 (prophesying of the perfect King), Psalm 103:11-17, Lamentations 3:31-33, Daniel 9:8-9 & 18-19, Hosea 2:23, Zechariah 10:6, Matthew 9:12-13, Matthew 20:34, Mark 8:1-8, Luke 7:12-15, Luke 15:20, James 5:11... that's just a few...


The reason I have life today, and more than that, life eternal, is a result of my great Creator's compassion and NOTHING else. He is compassionate. The writers and witnesses who knew His son Jesus, the visible image of the invisible God, continually wrote of specific instances displaying His compassion toward His people, whether friend or enemy. Granted, His compassion did not and could not exceed His zeal for His own glory and righteousness to be made known, so He remained steadfastly in stark opposition to sin. The Father had to be a fair judge. An unrighteous people could not be simply "let off the hook" without payment for their guilt and subsequent sentence. But His compassion led Him to the cross. Through a complete and utter emptying of Himself to the point of death, He paid for us and saved us. "When you were dead in your transgressions and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He made you alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our transgressions, having canceled out the certificate of debt consisting of decrees against us, which was hostile to us; and He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross." Colossians 2:13-14


So why is it that so many moments pass when my outward and inward life demonstrates a complete void of this knowledge, this attribute of compassion? How often, oh Lord, do I ignore and abandon this Spirit-led prompting, or miss it altogether?? I desire and pray to be like Christ, yet days pass without holy, unyielding concern for others... We are called to be consumed by His fire, and I find my pitiful wick at times is barely smoldering, struggling to remain lit. It's almost as if I fear giving myself over to this compassion. It IS crazy, after all. To sell all and follow Him, to serve and live for the sake of others...? Completely impractical at its best and scarily dangerous at its worst. What does it mean for me to care enough for my neighbor to give everything for them? To have compassion  for those I do not even know? And who is my neighbor?


" 'Which of these three do you think proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell into the robbers' hands?' And he (the lawyer) said, 'The one who showed mercy toward him.' Then Jesus said to him, 'Go and do the same.' "


Jesus in no uncertain terms answered the man. He was asking the wrong question and Christ was pointing him toward the right one. It wasn't about who the neighbor was, but the one called to be a neighbor acting in compassion toward another... ANY other. That was what identified him as God's- and not what made him right before God, for that was accomplished by the compassionate sacrifice of the only worthy One, but what betrays to all others that we bear His seal and His Name. We must have compassion, and there is no definitive scope within which that is to be practiced. The Spirit prompts compassion, and we, therefore, must be compelled to act. And if we have stopped feeling that prompting, we need to get on our knees now and plead for it... a request which no doubt will be answered with a humbling reminder of our OWN need for a compassionate Savior.


"So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience;"


So Lord, I pray that You would give me Your compassion toward my neighbor... Let me see as You see and feel as You feel. May my heart be wrung and broken, my life poured out to this end, but all the while, my eyes fixed on the Giver and Restorer of all things. And I pray that as You would do that in me, others might see You, and be led to follow You... The very One who first felt compassion toward me.

living and active...

"But an angel of the Lord spoke to Philip saying, "Get up and go south to the road that descends from Jerusalem to Gaza." (This is a desert road.) So he got up and went; and there was an Ethiopian eunuch, a court official of Candace, queen of the Ethiopians, who was in charge of all her treasure; and he had come to Jerusalem to worship, and he was returning and sitting in his chariot, and was reading the prophet Isaiah. Then the Spirit said to Philip, "Go up and join this chariot." Philip ran up and heard him reading Isaiah the prophet, and said, "Do you understand what you are reading?" And he said, "Well, how could I, unless someone guides me?" And he invited Philip to come up and sit with him. Now the passage of Scripture which he was reading was this:
         "HE WAS LED AS A SHEEP TO SLAUGHTER;
         AND AS A LAMB BEFORE ITS SHEARER IS SILENT,
         SO HE DOES NOT OPEN HIS MOUTH. 
       "IN HUMILIATION HIS JUDGMENT WAS TAKEN AWAY;
         WHO WILL RELATE HIS GENERATION?
         FOR HIS LIFE IS REMOVED FROM THE EARTH." 

The eunuch answered Philip and said, "Please tell me, of whom does the prophet say this? Of himself or of someone else?" Then Philip opened his mouth, and beginning from this Scripture he preached Jesus to him. As they went along the road they came to some water; and the eunuch said, "Look! Water! What prevents me from being baptized?" [And Philip said, "If you believe with all your heart, you may." And he answered and said, "I believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God."] And he ordered the chariot to stop; and they both went down into the water, Philip as well as the eunuch, and he baptized him. When they came up out of the water, the Spirit of the Lord snatched Philip away; and the eunuch no longer saw him, but went on his way rejoicing. But Philip found himself at Azotus, and as he passed through he kept preaching the gospel to all the cities until he came to Caesarea." Acts 8:26-40

I'll be honest... I'm a little overwhelmed at how good God is right now. I've been thinking about blogging for the past couple of weeks, but seriously, I just have to testify to what He's been up to lately. 


Maybe you can relate to this: You know how you lose focus, you get overwhelmed with the details (big or small), you cry out in the midst of uncertainty, desperately holding on to that written hope that "He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes?" (Romans 8:28) That's where I was about two weeks ago. 


There's a lot turning upside down in my life right now (again... I know, this is getting to be a broken record). I'm in a place where I need to make some big decisions, but the Lord has yet to set fire to a bush or speak as thunder from the heavens. But I'm reminded that He knows me intimately... The reason I know that is because He has been blessing me in ways only He can these past couple weeks, and reminding me how much He's doing, though I stand here waiting...


One of my deepest delights is seeing God at work in the lives of people around me. And every once in a while, I think He just likes to show off a little of His "eternal fine-ness," as I heard it described once. People are shocked and utterly bemused by the concept of something dead becoming alive. We celebrate the resurrection of Jesus, a man publicly tortured and killed, that days later, begins appearing to witnesses all over. This must be impossible. Yet Jesus said over and over that He was going to die and be raised up again, that He would lay down His life and take it up again, that the temple could be destroyed and He would rebuild it in three days. He continually showed us that our impossibilities were simply His play things. I've been seeing beauty rising from ashes a lot lately...


I just finished dinner tonight with a beautiful girl. She's been such a vessel of grace to me, and I'd like to share how with you. Two Wednesdays ago, one of my roommates wasn't feeling great, and I had gotten home early from work unexpectedly, so we agreed that I would take a snack she'd made to Aletheia VCU, a weekly meeting where college students gather to enjoy some music and food, study the Bible and learn more about Christ together. Since starting my new job back in June, I haven't been able to be on campus that much, so it was nice to know I could serve those faithfully laboring in a small way that day. I dropped off these platters of cookies, and as I was walking out, two girls were walking in. We started talking, getting to know one another, and I found out it was their first time coming to Aletheia. They shared where they were from, their majors, and ultimately that they'd come to check things out. One of the girls was a believer in Christ who was eager to learn more, and the other was a friend of hers that was raised in a culturally Jewish home, but not really committed to the whole religion thing. One thing led to another (thank you, Holy Spirit! ;) ) and we ended up talking about why we gathered there, and more specifically, what the gospel was, the truth of Jesus being fully God and coming into the world as a servant to die on the cross, taking the penalty for our sins and being alive again the prove that He had the power to give us life through Him after death through our repentance and faith in Him.


Well, I was supposed to go prepare for a Romans study with a couple other girls, so after about 20 minutes or so, I had to bow out as the meeting was starting. I said bye to my new friends and headed off to the Bible student's best friend, Starbucks. ;) I remember thanking God and being so encouraged that He had given me the opportunity to be used to speak of His love that night, and how encouraging it was to share the truth with others, and reaffirm it in my own heart. That could have been enough to bless me, but He had more to do.


Fast forward to that Sunday- We were closing out after the service, getting ready to go celebrate the baptism of five brothers and sisters in the James River. I'm on stage with the band, finishing our last song after the service gets out, and I see the same girl from Wednesday there, and then she walks up to me on stage, and whispers in my ear, "I need to get baptized. I'm not sure how this process works, but would you help me? I know I want to be baptized." Acts 8 started repeating over and over in my head. She and I go to sit down in the slowly emptying room, and I ask her to tell me why she wants to get baptized. She shares a broken spirit of repentance and a desire to acknowledge that only Jesus can save her. We talk about how baptism doesn't save us, but how it's an outward expression of what God has done in our hearts, being buried with Christ in His death as we go into the water, and being raised in the newness of life in Him as we come up again from it; that every Christian is connected by this. She affirms again and again that the gospel is truth and that this is what she desires to declare publicly. After talking and praying with Josh Soto as well, she goes and changes her clothes, and we ride down to the river together, rejoicing in the truth of 2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come."


She was baptized that afternoon with five other members of our church, and tonight, I had the pleasure of sitting with her again, having dinner together and talking about what God's changed in her life and heart. Hearing her say things like, "I know that Christ needs to be the Lord of my life," and "It's amazing to know that He loves me even though I messed up so much," I admit I got a little teary eyed. But after that, she said to me that God had planned to have her there that Wednesday, that He had planned to have me there, and that she was able to see a joy and satisfaction in me that could only come from Him as we talked. That He spoke through my words to her, and that she was glad He had brought me to Richmond from my other job so that she could hear and see this truth and know Christ. I couldn't help but cry with joy over this beautiful new life and heart....


He is so great and worthy. He knows every moment, and He scripts every word. I may wonder where I am going in the future, but there's no doubt as to why I am where I am. May He show off even more of His majesty... He is so good.

To die is gain...

I've been mulling over this passage for weeks now... Philippians 1:18-21 - "What then? Only that in every way, whether in pretense or in truth, Christ is proclaimed; and in this I rejoice. Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayers and the provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, according to my earnest expectation and hope, that I will not be put to shame in anything, but that with all boldness, Christ will even now, as always, be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."


I have a beautiful friend. God has blessed me with her love and fellowship for about 6 months now. This woman loves God. Her entire life proclaims it. You should hear some of the amazing things she's been witness to. But this particular evening, I came to see her, and was immediately struck by what I saw- I could see the battle marks. I could see the stripes where the enemy's lashed out with cutting blows. I could see her heaviness of heart from fighting in the dark. Everything in her was weary, and I could literally see it in her eyes. That evening, we talked, we laughed, we sang, we cried,... we probably would have danced were it possible. And at the close of our evening together, we prayed. I can't express what that kind of prayer is, where you know that everything in you is being surrendered and that it is given to a Father who is deeply moved to compassion with regard to His children's cries. And the Holy Spirit moved even in that moment. Refreshment, relief, hope, joy, peace... I left that evening with a renewed mind, seeing her joy in Christ alone.


This incredible woman knows what it means to wage war, but I'm not talking about the kind where you ride out on a field for all to see, slay the enemy, and are brought home with pomp and circumstance. There are struggles that wage within each of us, deeply. Hers is a fight with a sly enemy that would say she has grown useless and is to be thrown aside. Another's is a struggle to give up a trust in something tangible for a greater hope in that which is not seen. Another's is a belief that the affection of that one person is worth the compromise of our purity in Christ. Or perhaps there is a fear of the absolute mockery risked to believe wholeheartedly in something for which we are assured will lead to persecution and hatred by this world we live in. Or deep, deep down, what if it's all a sham?... An attack at every heart, though it may take different forms. Am I able? Am I sufficient? Am I strong enough? Can I even fathom what it might mean to endure long suffering?... But is it really about me?? Because if it is, I can tell you without a doubt here and now, the answer to each of those questions is "No."


In that Philippians passage, Paul's heart is exposed. His crazy, fanatical, zealous heart... This man who described his own situation as riddled with hardship- Read 2 Corinthians 11 and 12, and there's a sobering reality to the condition of the man who wrote these letters. And Paul is one of a cloud of witnesses who suffered, believing daily that there were greater things to come. And how did they do this?! - "through prayers and provision of the Spirit," a joy in a purpose that could not be stamped out. Paul did not need to know the outcome of the situation he was in, whether he was to live or die (a hard thing to fathom, knowing he was sitting in prison with a death sentence looming). He was not at all focused on the circumstances themselves. He confirmed this one thing, that Christ was to be exalted, and to this end, regardless of whether that would be best served by his living or dying, he viewed this outcome as GAIN. Too often, I find myself caught in the "Why" dilemma. Why this and not that, Lord? Why here and not there, Father? Surely, this can't be Your BEST for me, can it?? I look at life and see it as obedience, waiting from experience to experience, my faith determined by my circumstances. But there is a HUGE difference between obedience in following steps and an all-encompassing heart of joyful submission! And I would contend that apart from finding daily joy in the very nature of God and the person of Jesus, we will have no will to fight the battles that come. There is a reason we are called by love to love! If our sole purpose and aim is for Christ to be lifted high no matter WHAT we're doing, in the desert or in the garden, this hope does not disappoint! For we know the One who makes all things work according to His will is faithful, even though we may be faithless... Every knee will bow, and every tongue will confess!


I pray that my heart would enjoy this beautiful time. That it would not be impatient or unsatisfied. That my one goal would remain fixed on the prize of that upward call in Christ Jesus. And I pray that wherever He has intentionally and divinely placed you, you rejoice in this, knowing that HE is our source, our love, our provision, our strength. He knows where He has you, He knows the depths of your heart, and He will be exalted through your life, if you give it over to Him. He is our perseverance... our JOY to fight another day. And nothing could be sweeter.


There is a beautiful hymn that constantly reminds me of this joy, and I hope that you would be called to your knees as well, knowing that in Christ alone, your Hope is found... as for me, "til He returns, or calls me home, here in the power of Christ, I'll stand." By His abundant daily grace...


"No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLy8ksqGf9w&feature=related

Change is in the air...

Since it's 12:30am the night before I start a new job, I'm going to attempt to make this brief. (snicker away... ;) ) There's been a lot happening in the past 2 weeks, and I've wanted an opportunity to tell you about it. However, there was another minor change in my life (moving for the 5th time since coming to Richmond 3 years ago) which has consumed most of my past 3 days. Can I just praise God for a second for the absolutely PHENOMENAL people God has placed in my life? I mean, I've known my friends had awesome servant hearts, but seriously... Tommie, Tony, Zach, Sterling, Josh S, Carrie, Jason, Erin Alyse, Mike N, Ryan, Joelle, Kim, Caitlyn, Ric, Keilan, Alana, my mom & dad... Yeah, that's 18 people that have helped me transition quickly into this new place. And that's not even everyone who's been praying or financially supporting it.. Talk about meeting one another's needs!! "Thank you" is so inadequate...


Beyond that, yes, I am starting a new job this morning. God has yet again grabbed my gaze when I wanted to set it on things, on plans, on structure, all while I was trying to remain fixed and unmoving. I'm going to be starting a position as an Executive Assistant with a real estate developing company. It seems like an amazing fit, almost too good to be true. Only God could pull this off a THIRD time in my life. I wasn't looking for this position, but He found it for me and confirmed it beyond all my doubts. I'll be maintaining schedules & emails, managing & tasking projects, meshing the staff together, and pretty much anything else that's needed.


It's a big change in that I'll no longer be on staff with Aletheia, though I will definitely still be a member. Last week, I found out about the job details on Sunday, interviewed on Wednesday, was offered the position and accepted Thursday, and will be beginning a week later --> aka: today. Yeah, fast. But God has been assuring me over and over in that His plans were established before the foundation of the world. There is nothing hidden from Him, no surprise, no sudden change. I know that the Lord is setting Himself to move through all this, that His fame would increase, and His light shine out in darkness.


As I was struggling to know what was right or wrong, the gospel began to overwhelm me. Jesus made Himself a servant to His Father's will. He walked in obedience the steps marked out for Him. Who am I to say to God, "My ways are higher than Yours?" It's pitiful when I'm reminded how much I THINK I know, and then how much I actually don't at all. God called me to the DOD, He called me to Richmond/to Aletheia, and now He's distinctly calling me to this new place. And if I truly seek to lose my life that I might be found in Christ, this is where I will go.


Please be praying with me that the Lord works His mysterious and powerful will in all this. I'm excited, albeit a little anxious, but confident that He is my rock and fortress. In all things I praise Him, and the same passage that brought me here to Richmond 3 years ago is still ever so powerful- "But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ,  and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death." Philippians 3- He can take me anywhere, make me do anything. It's His adventure. I'm just excited to be in on it by His grace, because there's nothing else like it... nothing! He who loses His life for the sake of the gospel will surely find something far more precious.

Expecting Nothing In Return

This picture is beautiful to me. Upon first glance, it's not anything startling. It doesn't embody any particularly notable natural beauty. This is a normal dirt road leading away from a village called Rio Esteban in Honduras. That's me on the right and the woman to my left is a wonderful lady named Bictalia. At that point, we (Joelle & I) were leaving from having stayed at her house for a few days with her family. She and her sisters are the roots of a program to raise up and send missionaries from Honduras to other areas of the world that are closed to the Gospel. Her daughters lead a bible study/youth group in their village at the church. And one of her daughters, Delmy, is a teacher in the bilingual school there, teaching the kids the basics (reading, writing, arithmetic) in a context that teaches them English as well.


Something you need to know to understand the time I spent in Honduras is that I speak virtually no Spanish. And the people we were with for the most part spoke just as much English. An intense conversation for me (if you want to call it that) would be saying a string of the few nouns I know that related to where we were or what we were doing, and gesturing in between to communicate the verbs. If we were setting the table for a meal, I'd say something to the effect of "cups there?" if attempting to assist or "love food, love to talk!" when attempting to comment on dinner time. I learned the word for excited after a few days, and so to show any emotion in any circumstance, I was either excited or not excited. With this taken into consideration, it was hard to be of much help without being able to anticipate needs, let alone develop deep and meaningful relationships.


So the question began racking my brain... What in the world was I doing there?? It's amazing how much I trust in my ability to communicate. Whenever I examine what God has called me to do, or what He's gifted me in, it is without fail things that require verbal communication. Leave aside the fact that I was a Communication Studies major at JMU... I love to teach; I love to share the word of the Gospel; I love to listen to and (by the grace of God and the working of the Holy Spirit) offer Biblical counsel to women placed in my life; I love to discuss scripture and explore themes that God has woven throughout history by His sovereign power. These are the things I am blessed to engage in regularly here. However, take away the gift of language, and as passionately as I may want to communicate a message, I can't. (Oh yeah, and being an extrovert, I want to do these things all the time, so this is no small deprivation to me!)


So the scene is set: I'm living in a place where I know no one, they don't know me, and I can't even rock Philippians 2 (like a good Aletheian ;) ) to get past it... Want to know how I was feeling?? Useless. Why would God call me there to do nothing, to bring nothing, to be of no help to the people I was with? And fyi, that is a TERRIBLE feeling for a person that thrives on feeling useful.


But wait... I've just given away the root of the problem. Can you find it? Whenever God calls me out of the country, He always, always is at work in my heart. We're called to be conformed to the image of Christ daily, dead to self and alive in Jesus, to lay down all other things and follow Him. I remember on one of my first mission trips to Kazakhstan, we talked about how over the time spent there, we needed to be prepared for our sin to be worn on our sleeve. In order for the light to penetrate deeply, it must expose all things kept in darkness. In Luke 6:45, Jesus says, "The good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth what is good. The evil man out of the evil treasure brings forth what is evil; for his mouth speaks from that which fills his heart." The problem is in the heart, not simply the mouth, so we prayed that God would dig up the dirt... And boy, does He!


I thrive on feeling useful. Give me a task and I'll take the utmost pride in doing it to the best of my ability. Give me another task and I'll thrive even more on being able to do both well at the same time. Challenge me, push me, throw me into difficult situations. Bring it on! I will destroy myself in order to not feel inadequate- not sleep, not eat, not wash clothes, not budget money, not steward gifted resources, not examine myself, not nourish my own relationship with the Lord... All to feed that precious pride monster within. I pray, "God, use me!" and the unspoken parenthesis is "(so that I know I'm not useless...)" Egocentricity at its finest. It's amazing how humility can be perverted into pride so quickly and so quietly.


It's hard to be hit in the face with that kind of reality. But the Lord does it in beautiful ways. Back to the picture, if you notice, Bictalia is carrying a large multi-colored umbrella over our heads to shade us from the sun. While I was at her home, I had a small cold. She noticed soon after I had arrived, and throughout the time we were there, she would come up to me at random times with something in her hand to give, always "para su gripa" ("for your cold"). Warm lemonade, a blanket, a chair to sit... When we were walking from her home to catch the bus back to the hospital, she came next to me, holding that umbrella above my head to make sure I was shielded from the sun on the 2 mile walk to the bus stop, "para mi gripa." She wouldn't let me hold it for her. If I stepped away, she would call me back or move to where I was. At some point, having lots of time to think as we walked because I couldn't actually talk with this beautiful woman next to me, I began realizing all the things she'd been doing for me... And I'd been utterly useless. I couldn't return her generosity. I couldn't even adequately thank her for it. She was giving and giving, but with no expectation of a return on her investment. While in Honduras, I had begun studying the Gospel according to Luke. A passage jumped out at me as I was pondering that moment later in the week.


"If you love those who love you, what good is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for He is kind to the ungrateful and the evil. Be merciful, even as our Father is merciful." Luke 6:32-36


Jesus derived no benefit from His sacrifice. He didn't do it because He needed more glory, or because He needed us to validate Him as a martyr. He was led as a sheep to slaughter because He had perfect love to give to an evil people. Grace was not an entitlement for us to receive, but something that was meant to elicit awe and reverence as it was given freely and without earthly pomp. Bictalia showed me love that I am so quick to forget. A genuine desire to serve the Lord in serving others, all the time, expecting absolutely nothing in return. I could offer her nothing, but she offered me everything. This was love; straight-up, selfless, without envy, patient, true, unfailing love. Christ's love, that I so often cannot comprehend, nor spend the time trying to... It's not about me. God is glorious, and worthy of my/our entire affection and attention. And this beautiful saint showed me His love as my sister from her overflow.


God called me to Honduras, amongst other things, to adore Him. To decrease, that I would see His increase. He has people there that love Him. He is spreading His own fame. He doesn't need a single thing from me, and He wants me to know it. I can add nothing to Him that He has not created and purposed Himself. But, what I can do is worship Him in all that He does. When He calls me to act, by His grace, I'll do it. But when He calls me to step back and watch, by His grace, I'll do that, too. And be utterly amazed.

Help my unbelief!

When Jesus returned from the mount of transfiguration, "Immediately, when the entire crowd saw Him, they were amazed and began running up to greet Him. And He asked them, "What are you discussing with them?" And one of the crowd answered Him, "Teacher, I brought You my son, possessed with a spirit which makes him mute; and whenever it seizes him, it slams him to the ground and he foams at the mouth, and grinds his teeth and stiffens out. I told Your disciples to cast it out, and they could not do it." And He answered them and said, "O unbelieving generation, how long shall I be with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring him to Me!" They brought the boy to Him. When he saw Him, immediately the spirit threw him into a convulsion, and falling to the ground, he began rolling around and foaming at the mouth. And He asked his father, "How long has this been happening to him?" And he said, "From childhood. It has often thrown him both into the fire and into the water to destroy him. But if You can do anything, take pity on us and help us!" And Jesus said to him, " 'If You can?' All things are possible to him who believes." Immediately the boy's father cried out and said, "I do believe; help my unbelief." When Jesus saw that a crowd was rapidly gathering, He rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, "You deaf and mute spirit, I command you, come out of him and do not enter him again." After crying out and throwing him into terrible convulsions, it came out; and the boy became so much like a corpse that most of them said, "He is dead!" But Jesus took him by the hand and raised him; and he got up."  Mark 9:15-27

This is such a complex and amazing story. This past week has been a series of ups and downs. Scripture is so good to reveal our human hearts and His divine wisdom in light of this ailment. I often find myself struggling to believe. Now, in saying that, I should clarify. I don't mean doubting the facts... I know the person of God as Christ, I know His sacrifices and resurrection, His power over my life and ability to restore light to the darkness I resided in. However, this "faith" is a constant struggle. I find myself able to spend entire days in a manner that in no way reflects the power with which the Holy Spirit changed me. It's scary... Without even realizing it, I forget Him. I begin to trust in myself and my deeds- always ending in gross disappointment.

The crowds that had gathered had seen and heard of Christ's power, His ability to feed, to heal, to drive out demons. They knew His disciples. They had heard His inexplicable wisdom. And yet, when Christ went away for only a small time, it was enough for them to look to other saviors, to become disillusioned about their confidences, and to place their trust in a disappointing tangible reality. It is very similar to Israel, after the exodus, when Moses went up on the mountain to commune with God, and the people wasted no time in requiring something in the moment to look at and focus their praise and attentions on. The people were "amazed" by Jesus' return, welcoming Him back and then hesitating to confess their concerns in His midst. Jesus is rightly frustrated by this people. I know all too well that time of losing focus and setting it on the things around.

Finally, the father speaks up for his child, who the disciples were unable to heal and requested of Christ that, if able, He would help. I look on myself in shame as I read Jesus' rebuke of his faithlessness. If I can?! If I can?! Do you know Me?? Have you forgotten? Are you so willing to demean who you trusted in, what you saw and knew? I, that have the power to conquer death and give life, to shine incomprehensible light in utter darkness? I came to set captives & oppressed free, to recover the sight of the blind, to proclaim the favorable year of the Lord! Why do you forget Me??

And then the man's humble response, "I do believe! Help my unbelief!" So often I find myself with the desire to believe and then reminded that I am without the capacity to. But then, gracious Lord that He is, He shows Himself again- to these people, in the miracle of saving this child from the devil; to me, the same, but slightly different.

Last Sunday, after Aletheia in the morning, a large group of us went to Chilis to fellowship afterwards. While there, we had a wonderful waitress who several of my friends kept talking with and loving on. Towards the end, as people were beginning to leave, my friend Josh brought her over to me in an attempt to have her connect with another woman, and with an invitation to come out to church the next week. We began talking and before I knew it, the Holy Spirit was speaking the gospel through my mouth. We talked for another hour, her asking questions and confessing things that plagued her ability to believe in a loving and sovereign God and His Son, Jesus. By God's grace, He continued to answer those, returning to the truth of the gospel over and over. We put away the tables, but the conversation wasn't finished. We agreed to meet again, which happened on Friday. She laid out pieces of a torn past, growing up in foster care, siblings in & out of jail, doing and dealing drugs, now having a 7 month old, living paycheck to paycheck in the projects, and all the while seeking truth in astrology, wicca, drugs, science, anything and everything she was exposed to. Was it possible that there was a God? Was it possible that Jesus knew Him and was Him? That He loved us enough to die for us, even knowing the sin we estranged ourselves with? We talked through the Bible as God's word, that He prophesied throughout of this Messiah. We talked about Jesus's life as a man, that there are 4 amazing accounts of what He did, called the gospels, that there were amazing letters written by men who loved Him and spent themselves entirely to make Him known, that there were accounts hundreds of years before Christ that spoke as though they knew Him intimately. She went home with a desire to know the Word.

Today, we were blessed by her presence at church. And at the end, she was broken. Broken over sin, broken by compassion, broken by mercy and grace. She related to me later that as we sang one song in particular, she realized it was the truth and the cry of her heart- "All I need is You, Lord, is You Lord; All I need is You." We sat after the service in tears of hope.


Pray for her. Pray for the difficult situation she find herself in. The enemy will fight to keep her, he will strive against the power of Christ, but PRAISE THE LORD! HE WHO IS IN US IS GREATER THAN HE WHO IS IN THE WORLD! That Jesus, just as in that account in Mark, has the power to cast out the devil, and then reach out and restore life to His child.

As for me, He shows me yet again that my faith is not in vain. That He is indeed here, even when I forget. And He is power and might. Not me. Him. Jesus Christ, my Lord, my Savior. I cry out "Abba!", and He responds, Beloved one. I know you. You are mine. "See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are!" 1 John 3:1

As a charge to you, I love the following note by Matthew Henry. Pray to believe! And pray that I would believe as well. Help my unbelief, Lord! Every moment, every day...

"In dealing with Christ, very much is put upon our believing, and very much promised it. Canst thou believe? Darest thou believe? Art thou willing to venture thy all in the hands of Christ? To venture all thy spiritual concerns with him, and all thy temporal concerns for him? Canst thou find in thy heart to do this? If so, it is not impossible but that, though thou has been a great sinner, thou mayest be reconciled; though thou art very mean and unworthy, thou mayest get to heaven. If thou canst believe, it is possible that thy hard heart may be softened, thy spiritual diseases may be cured; and that, weak as thou art, thou mayest be able to hold out to the end." 

And, oh, what a glorious end it shall be!